by Elodie Lenardon<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They hate me. I know they do. With their smiles, their laughs, they all seem to be quite enjoying themselves, and it seems so easy. They\u2019re all talking over one another, as if there\u2019s a competition that I\u2019m not aware of, and the winner will be the loudest; it\u2019s deafening! The music is almost lost to the sound of their voices, a faint melody that is softly dying in the background and that no one pays any attention to – except me. I desperately try to focus on the melody, I try to hold on to it as if, by some miracle, it could save me. I don\u2019t want to lose myself in this clamor of voices; I\u2019d like to be able of hearing my thoughts, or I might go completely insane. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I did want to come, though. It probably was an earlier version of myself – a hopeful version of myself \u2013 who had wished to come. Now, the regret of that decision is so piercing, it\u2019s all I could think about. Why did you say yes? Why didn\u2019t you stay at home?<\/em> You would be so much better at home, in your bed, reading a book \u2013 you would be at peace<\/em>. Stop. Let\u2019s focus. It cannot be that bad, I just have to nod and smile \u2013 pretend, that\u2019s all you have to do!<\/em> I tell myself. Oh, I so wish I could be the girl for whom going to a party wasn\u2019t such a nightmare. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Someone seems to be talking to me. I\u2019m surprised they can still acknowledge my presence; I thought I had become completely invisible by now. I turn around and I face the person. I don\u2019t think that I know her \u2013 or do I? Is she a friend of my friends? Perhaps. I really can\u2019t tell.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat do you do?\u201d, she asks with a bland face, definitely not giving a damn about my possible answer. I promptly reply with a short and clear answer: \u201cI\u2019m at university\u201d. She seems to be waiting for something \u2013 what could it be? Then, she turns around and starts talking to someone else. I clearly upset her. I should not have said anything. What if she hates me now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I hear someone laughing; do they laugh at me? I look for the source of the chuckle, even if it could literally be anyone at this party; everyone is laughing. They\u2019re not laughing at you, c\u2019mon<\/em>. Why would they?<\/em> Because they don\u2019t like me, that\u2019s why. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I do know some people here, though, at this dreadful event that most would call a party. Some that I even consider my friends; I actually like them, but I highly doubt that this feeling could somehow be reciprocated. I don\u2019t know, it\u2019s maybe just a feeling – but a feeling so sharp that it must be right. My friends suddenly sit next to me, they all start talking energetically about matters that I\u2019m not familiar with \u2013 I think they do it on purpose, they don\u2019t want me to participate to the conversation! I can only grasp some parts of the exchange, but the most of it is completely lost to me. I simply nod and smile \u2013 I even pretend to laugh once or twice to show that I\u2019m still here, alive and having such a great time! No issue here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s funny,\u201d says a friend next to me, after I attempted to make a joke that clearly wasn\u2019t that funny. She only said that to mock me, it isn\u2019t an honest statement. Or is it<\/em>? No, it cannot be. I made a joke simply because I had nothing else to say. It was rather pathetic; a terrible joke, I\u2019d say. I tend to turn to irony when I feel uncomfortable, and I forget that some people don\u2019t enjoy this particular type of humor which can lead to pretty embarrassing outcomes. She\u2019s surely going to divulge about it to everyone and they will all laugh. I can\u2019t really blame her, though; I might do the same if I were in her shoes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I don\u2019t believe in magic, and yet I think that I have the power to read minds. When I\u2019m around people, I can hear their thoughts as if they were my own; it prevails as my peculiar curse that I\u2019m doomed to live with. No one would want to live with such a burden; it\u2019s exhausting, and I would definitely not recommend it. Why do I believe that I have such a power? I\u2019ve always been able to anticipate people\u2019s actions and I am \u2013 almost \u2013 always right. I think that someone is going to betray me, they betray me the next week. I think someone lies to me, I discover the truth the next day. I won\u2019t deny that this power has proved \u2013 at times – to be quite useful, but it\u2019s principally excruciating. I practically can\u2019t live a day without hearing people\u2019s thoughts and it\u2019s never good: She\u2019s so annoying<\/em>; Why are we friends with her?; She\u2019s so pathetic<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cElla? Are you okay?\u201d I turn around, surprised to hear my name and I lock eyes with a friend, Sadie, who looks rather concerned. \u201cYou are so quiet tonight, is everything fine? I know you don\u2019t feel very comfortable at parties so I\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d I interrupt her. \u201cI\u2019m really fine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAre you sure?\u201d, she insists, changing the tone of her voice to a more serious one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYes,\u201d I reply, feeling her staring at me. Her brows are furrowed, her lips are drawn in a firm line. Is she angry at me? She seems to be, for sure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cElla, come with me, please.\u201d Sadie stands up and urges me outside. Does she want us to argue? Probably. I hesitantly stand up to follow her, already picturing her screaming at me in the dark alley, and then, me, crying, alone, with only myself to blame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We both step out of the bar, and the sudden change of ambiance takes me aback. The silence of the night welcomes me; I close my eyes and I embrace it. It\u2019s finally quiet. It\u2019s finally quiet<\/em>! I inhale the cold air, imagining that it somehow has the ability to clear all my existing tension. Perhaps it does, perhaps it doesn\u2019t, who cares? It doesn\u2019t matter, not really. What matters is that I\u2019m finally able of hearing my thoughts, mine and only mine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cFeeling better?\u201d asks Sadie, who had been silent until now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYes,\u201d I answer, opening my eyes and looking at her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She smiles at me, and I smile back; yes<\/em>, everything is better, definitely better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" They hate me. I know they do. With their smiles, their laughs, they all seem to be quite enjoying themselves, and it seems so easy. They\u2019re all talking over one another, as if there\u2019s a competition that I\u2019m not aware of, and the winner will be the loudest; it\u2019s deafening!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[8,7],"class_list":["post-266","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","tag-8","tag-fiction"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=266"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":286,"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/266\/revisions\/286"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=266"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=266"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/web1.unine.ch\/new\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=266"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}